Insecurities, The silent thief. So subtle, so clever, and silent. It hides behind many faces. Anger, jealousy, suspicion, possessiveness, doubts, and many other emotions. We are so busy dealing with those emotions that we failed to identify the real culprit.
My experience with insecurity started since my childhood. And not until the recent years I finally able to understand what is the underlying issue for my problems, especially with relationships. Not to mention the long battle and sacrifices I had done only to be able to identify it.
I am not sure if there are people exist without insecurities. Everybody (in my opinion), must have it although it depends on how strong it affects each individual. It always went back to the traits we feed in our life.
My life struggling with Insecurities
For a long time, I have been unconsciously feeding my insecurities. One of the major issues that came because of it was Jealousy and distrust. No matter how good, honest, and loving the men that I was having a relationship with, I always found something to convince myself that they were untrustworthy.
And without trust, I easily got jealous for everything, Literally EVERYTHING. I was jealous when they were speaking with another girl, I was jealous when they spent time with their friends, I was jealous when they preferred to sleep instead of going out with me (no wonder why though). I became possessive and controlling. Not only that, I was always suspicious as well. I felt like I was some kind of lie detectors, I was convinced that they were lying to me. It can be small things like when they said they were sleeping while probably they were playing computer games (some were true but shouldn’t be a big deal), or things like went out with friends while they told me they stayed home.
Not only that, I was always suspicious as well. I felt like I was some kind of a good lie detector, I was convinced that they were lying to me. It can be small things like when they said they were sleeping while probably they were playing computer games (some were true but shouldn’t be a big deal), or things like they went out with friends while they told me they stayed home.
A bit of a background, I am naturally not good with confrontation. So, all of these negative emotions I kept it all to myself. Whenever I was angry, sad, or jealous the only “punishment” I could give them was the silent treatment (typical). I am not able to scream out my heart, or physically hurt anyone. I am terrible at verbally communicating my feelings and knew it was destructive but I couldn’t help it.
There were always these pent-up negative feelings within me that I couldn’t express nor do anything about it.
I wasn’t controlling them by constantly checking their phone, or stalking their social media. Luckily enough, I realize it was not a healthy behavior. But since I am a very observant person and paying a lot of attention to details when something doesn’t add up I questioned it. I pushed them to always explain so that everything makes sense to me, demanded perfection from them. I sweat all the small stuff, I became a control freak until I finally learned my lesson.
There is a Buddhist proverb:
It is the law of the universe, and I really believe it.
I had a perfect relationship with someone, he was (and still is) everything I want in a man. But, my insecurities ruined everything for us. Even though I lost his trust, he gave me a chance so that we could continue our relationship. However, I secretly (and unconsciously) imagine that he will eventually do the same thing that I did to him. It was insecurity in action.
We had a complicated relationship and there were many factors at play, long story short the thing that I’ve been dreading for happened.
I was literally curled on the floor, struggling to catch a breath, and completely devastated. I Finally have my proof that I should not trust anyone. Yet, I felt like I deserved it and somehow it was all my fault.
I was under a lot of stress and pain, and I was at the rock bottom. In a moment of darkness, I turned to my Mother for a consult. Nothing is better than a mother’s love and wisdom. She told me, that there are things that out of our control. She said that;
“You are only responsible for the things that you are able to control and how you respond to the things that you can’t”.
It was like a breath of a fresh air, a light in the darkness, a light at the end of a tunnel, you name it. I can’t control people’s feelings, I can’t make someone love me, I can’t make them do the right thing if they don’t want it.
I can lock them in a basement and they can still betray me. So what can I do? I can only choose how I will respond to the things that are out of my control. And that’s the wisdom that leads me to find a way to control my insecurities to hijacked my life.
Steps that I did to managed Insecurities
Insecurities came in many different aspects of your life, mine is always about relationship. Below are the steps that I did when I tried to get a hold of my life and to not be overwhelmed by my insecurities.
Listen to it and Acknowledge the feelings.
The First step to finding a solution to a problem, is to know what the problems are and to acknowledge it. If you refuse to admit that you have a problem then you will always be stuck with it. It is never easy to admit that you have flaws, and it took a lot of courage to see it in the eye.
Took me years to admit that it wasn’t men that couldn’t be trusted, but it was me that believe they are not trustworthy. I was jealous not because they like other girls or that they were comparing me to other girls. I compared myself with other girls. It was all because I feel Insecure.
Make a list of things that are within your power.
You can make a list of the things that are within your power to change. For example, things that you want to improve for yourself in a relationship. Like trying to communicate better, to be more patient and mature, to listen more, etc.
You can make a list of improvement for “the relationship” that you want. For example, going out on a date once a week, always hug and kiss before going out or going to bed.
Make a list of things that are out of your reach.
For example, To change your partner, make them love you, control and watch their activities, etc. Realize that whatever is on that list, is beyond you. Accept it. Let It Go.
Create a roadmap on every subject you are feeling insecure about. Make a clear best-worst scenario with all of the options on your possible reactions, complete with the outcome of the things you can’t control.
I give you an example for when I was feeling insecure about my relationship especially betrayal.
After making this chart I realize, what I really scared of is not the betrayal itself. It was what am I going to do afterward. I knew that I have done my best and if it has to end, it is no longer in my control. And the good news is, it won’t be the end of the world because I have a plan.
Accept your situation.
Accept that everything can happen, despite our hopes and prayers that everything will go well. As long as you did your best, whatever happened next is no longer in your control and nor is your fault. Reasoned with your mind, convince yourself that you have a plan for the worst-case scenario. It is hard, but it will help you to regain your composure and confidence.
If you feel it is too much to handle or it leads you to destruction, reach out to family and friends for help. And if it’s not enough, find a professional help.
For me, it’s always my mother. She is my strength, my lighthouse, and my angel.
I also listen to a guided self-hypnosis specifically to address insecurity. You can read a bit about my meditation routine here. Write down positive affirmation related to insecurity, such as:
Apart from all of those mentioned above, I also write down positive affirmations related to insecurity, such as:
“I am strong and Courageous. I am beautiful, smart and confident”.
And whenever insecurity starts to sneak its head, I take a deep breath and recite those affirmations as many times as I need.
I will write a post about Positive Affirmation and how it impacts my self-worth and confidence. But for now, you can read about it all here.
It was not easy for me to write this article since it was very personal. To be honest I am not sure if I have written it well enough that you might understand it. However, if there is just 0.1% that this article can help someone then I will be very happy. So, if you find this article is somehow related to your own experience please write a comment.
Thank you for reading and God bless us