I am someone who loves to have a deep and meaningful conversation with another people, no matter who you are. Because to have someone understand you on a deep level is precious. It is a different kind of intimacy and I would like to write something about why I think we should have a thirst on having a deep connection with someone and what does it do to your soul. One study shows that social connection makes a better brain, you can read about it here.
Some of the best moment in my life was when I met someone by accident, a totally random person, where we sit and talked for hours while we were waiting for a connection flight. We talked about anything, everything, and the conversations we had were so random yet somehow very deep and personal that I rarely had with people I am close to. I can actually feel a connection with the people sitting opposite me, somewhere in the middle of the world, a total stranger. To me, it was an honor to know them in that way, even if it’s only for a very short period of time.
Within those hours I have talked and speak about things that I have never spoken about to anybody, my personal thoughts, and observations about things. And in return, I listened about their passion, their secret, their happiness and heartbreaks, their flaws and vanity.
It was so deep, intense, meaningful, and somehow a healing experience. At the end of the day, with an unspoken agreement, we say our goodbyes and wishes. We parted ways without exchanging contact number or emails. Because it’s such a beautiful feeling and experience that we just want it to stay that way. We are content to know that somewhere out there, someone is able to understand and accept who you are in that deep and loving way. It is a treasure that will always stay in your heart.
Another thing I learned from those experiences was that the most important thing to have that kind of connection with other people is to let yourself be vulnerable. I know this by experience before I read about it in a quote by Leo Christopher that says “Vulnerability is the essence of Connection and Connection is the essence of existence”. These words cannot be any truer. But as much as I want this word to be understood by every single human being in this world, it is NOT as easy as a walk in the park to do it.
Maybe the fact that they were a stranger, and I know that I might never see them again in my life that allowed me to open up myself in that way. To completely put myself in a position to be judged yet also knowing that it doesn’t matter.
However, it is completely different when I try to do it with people that I actually desperate to have a connection with. I just couldn’t let myself to be vulnerable. I know how wrong it was, and I am learning to open up myself bit by bit (remember about my vows to constantly trying to be a better person?) well this is one of the thousands of things I’ve been working on.
Here’s a thing why I think it is hard to let yourself be vulnerable because it TAKES TWO TO TANGO…
I will give you an example for a case between a couple. Imagine, you were standing in a bathroom. After days and hours of enchanting an affirmation to yourself such as “YOU CAN DO THIS” or “VULNERABILITY IS THE ESSENCE OF CONNECTION” or “DO THE FIRST STEP and OTHERS WILL FOLLOW” you went out of the bathroom and you face your partner. Determined to start a conversation that will lead to a deeper connection and to be vulnerable. You start the conversation, and you only received a SHORT reply.
Oh, one bulb of light just went down inside you.
But you are determined to have a connection with them, so you try again with another statement or question. You received another short answered with a slightly annoyed look…
Oops, that’s another bulb or two went down.
And then you said to yourself, “OK, One more time!”
You started another topic. This time, they looked at you with a questioning face and a bit of curiosity. And you were thinking:“AHA, now I got your attention”
You remember that you have to be willing to be vulnerable so you tell them something like “It’s been a while since we were having a nice conversation about nothing and just to spend a time to be with each other”.
There you are being vulnerable, and you look at them. You start to see the discomfort that was shown in their face. You see that they are struggling to find a reply followed by the awkward laugh. Then came a reply such as “haha, are you serious?” or “OK, what do you want to talk about?” (with a deep sigh).
Whatever the number of bulbs left inside you, they all went out .. all is dark. You are tangoing alone.
It sounded like they were being a jerk, but maybe they weren’t. They just didn’t feel the same way in that exact moment. Or maybe they didn’t understand what it was all about, or many other reasons that we might know nothing about (especially for men).
Yet with all that knowledge and understanding, we can’t help but feel disappointed. We put our trust in someone that is “Supposed to” cherished and support us and they failed us. Instead of taking out their hand when we reach out to them, they stood us up (btw, this is my Piscean persona talking).
The thing is, even if you do “understand” that you can’t force a connection. You know that there are many factors in play and that is why it called “HAVING A MOMENT”. Because to have a deep and meaningful conversation is not something that is available whenever and wherever we want it. Both parties have to sync in.
Going back to the case, no matter what the result was, you made the step. You reached out and you were being brave. You convinced yourself to do the things you are afraid of, to get out of your comfort zone. And by doing that, you did something good for yourself. You grow and learned. And those are a win and a precious experience.
We don’t let it break us down, and we don’t let it lose our trust on our partner. We WILL keep on trying to make a connection with them because we believe one day we’ll get there.
If you have a partner that treats you well, respect you, care about your happiness and well-being, spend their time with you whenever they can, then they are a keeper.
There are many ways that we can try to get that connection. There is no formula that guaranteed it will work, it is a work in progress. Some people found it by having a schedule date every once in a while. Some people found it with a help from a couple therapist. Nothing is wrong as long as you are trying.
Always communicate with your partner on what you want to improve in your relationship. Listen to what your partner says about it. Whatever it is your differences, communicate with an intention to understand and to love. Make “Love” as a foundation for every single thing that you do, and every single step that you take.
Relationships take a lot of Understanding, Compassion, Maturity, Forgiveness, and Patience. It is a lifetime job that will bring you Comfort, Joy, Companionship, Happiness, Love, and Meaningful life.
Let me know in the comment, about what the meaning of connection for all of you. About the barrier that you face to have a connection with others and how you found a solution for it.
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May you are all blessed with Love, Health, and Peace.