Is it strange to feel guilty for wanting to take time away by yourself when you’re married?  Let me tell you about my situation.  Next week is going to be my 33 birthday, and I wanted to do something special with it.  So I was thinking to go to Bali for my birthday. However, the timing is not very convenient for my husband.  So we agreed to spend a weekend before my birthday in Bali, and I will extend my stay for another five days by myself on the island.  It means that on the D-day, we won’t celebrate it together.

He doesn’t mind about it, although he once asked me why don’t I come back on my Birthday so that we can celebrate together at home.  

I guess this “justified and innocence” question are the ones that make me feel wrong about wanting to extend my stay there.  Exactly on my birthday, in Bali, they celebrate the silent day.  I have to stay inside the hotel area all day physically, but still, I chose to be there until the day after.  Am I selfish?

All my life, what I know about love is that we would always want to spend special days together with our loved ones.  I’ve been doing that for years, making sure that on my birthdays, Christmases, New Years, and other special days I spent with my loved ones.  But why it’s different now? Is it mean that I don’t love my husband anymore?

The answer is, of course, I still love him, and I would like to spend my birthday with him.  Only this time, I also want it to be different, and I chose to listen to what I want and what I need.  It is unfortunate that he couldn’t join, but I feel it strongly inside that I need this trip.

I’ve been questioning myself about my life lately.  I feel that I need some solitude to be in tune with myself again, and to (maybe) found some answers.  But there is a part of me that feels guilty, leaving my husband at home alone to take care of our dog while he still has to work.  While me, enjoying myself on a beautiful island and in which he paid for.

It is the perfectionist part of me, the “must be a good wife” part that is taking the beating.  So I was asking myself and pondering on why I want to do this.  So the question was :

How do we separate an act of self-love with an act of ego and selfishness?

After some days feeling guilty and unsure, I came up with an answer that makes me find peace with my decision.  It is as simple as this; I can’t give something that I don’t have.  If I am “empty” I have nothing to offer to other people.  I need to make sure that I love myself first before I can offer love to someone.  To be content with myself before I can try to create a peaceful ambiance at home.  To be in the right state of mind so that I don’t contribute negativity to my surrounding.  I need to be healthy before I can take care of someone else.

So there are things that I need to do to make sure I have something to offer any service to other people.  These things are based on my love towards myself and towards people around me.  I don’t want to be the source of negativity in anybody’s life.

To me, what differentiates self-love with selfishness is the intention behind the act.  Not to put other people at a disadvantage for our own sake, not to harm other people in any way.  You do something good for your self so that you will be able to give does to your surrounding.

I know that I am not being selfish about taking this trip, but there is still a bit of guilt leaving my husband alone at home.  So my next question is?

How do we manage this kind of guilty feeling?

Know what you want

To free from the guilt, we need to ask ourselves what do I want to get from the action that I am about to take?  In my case, what I want is to do something special for myself because I felt like lately, I have been feeling that people are (unconsciously) taking me and what I have to offer for granted.  So, I want to give something nice to myself for a change.  Even saying this makes me feel like I am ungrateful because to be honest I am blessed with a good life.  

I also want some peace and solitude to re-center myself.  Instinctively, I knew when I am off balanced in life, and this time I am about to fall out of the balance.  Spending time alone and away from my routines is the best way for me to return the balance.

Communicate 

After we are clear about what we want we need to communicate it with someone who we feel guilty for.  In my case, it is my husband.  He will be left alone at home to care for our dog and to work.  I asked him if he doesn’t mind that I extend my stay there, and he does.  He is always very supportive of me, and he also isn’t the type who asked questions.  I assumed we knew each other enough that we don’t mean each other harm or negativity.

Show Gratitude

If the communication goes well, and people who you’re feeling guilty for have understood your self-love acts, then we show them that we appreciate them.  In my case, apart from saying my gratitude, I will make sure that I try my best to make his “extra” tasks easier.  I will make sure that he still has his lunch box for the week that I am gone.  I will make sure that our dog’s food is already thawed so that it is easy for him to feed the dog.

Do It Fiercely

When you do something for your own good, or you’re practicing self-love, do it wholeheartedly.  Make the most out of it. Find what makes you feel good and do it fiercely!  Take care of yourself, take your time, be gentle and show yourself some compassion.  You’ve come this far; it is ok to take a rest.  

You might have only been going to the gym for an hour as your self-love practice, do it wholeheartedly anyway.  Make that one hour counts, be present, and do what’s right for you.  In my case, I am planning to do a lot of reading, yoga, and meditation in Bali.

Come out Better

If you do the things that you need to do with the intention of love, you will come out better.  Not necessarily a better person, but at least feeling better.  Once you are in this state, then you have something positive to offer to your surroundings.  It can be as simple as a calming presence, or you are emitting positive energy, or you do something kind.  It completes the circle on why you’re doing it in the first place.

I hope that this can encourage you to show more compassion towards yourself.  To understand better why someone does something that you might think as selfish.  It might not necessarily be it.

I know that for my mother (and many women of her generation) she wouldn’t have the heart to leave behind her husband and kids for a couple of days to be alone.  She would hate herself for doing it, but I see it differently.  I learned as a kid that my mother sacrifice too much of herself for us and her husband.  Most of the time we took her for granted.  I’d love to see her to have the courage to choose herself once or twice, but until now she still put her kids first.

Thank you for reading, and please leave a comment on how you are practicing or not self-love.